Worst Week

Diane,
I've been making a real ass of myself lately. I got dumped by a girl in one of the harshest ways possible, but that's not the real story here. What's happening here is the fact that I haven't grown up at all. I continue to make bad decisions based only on what I want and what I feel I need or deserve. My ex did some bad things to me, but my wallowing isn't about her, it's about me.
What I wanted was to be with her, even if it wasn't right. I tried to make the situation right with her by trying to change little things about her, or trying to change little things about myself to make it fit. It was never going to happen, but I was (and insanely, still am) convinced that her and I were right together. But it's about me and what I want all over again.
I have never been able to fully take responsibility for my actions and face the hard truths. I can say all the right things and then turn around and do the exact same thing over and over again. My argument style has always been to admit my shortcomings on the surface and move the conversation elsewhere, never dealing with the actual issues that plague me. I'm selfish, self-centered, unmotivated, entitled, whiny and narcissistic. Even now as I write this, I know it's partially for my own vanity and to show others that I'm thinking about things and reevaluating my life. Half the time I don't believe the things that come out of my mouth, not because they're not true, but because they ring hollow in my ears.
What happened in the past few weeks was horrible and I don't want to be with someone who would do that to me, but how I've reacted speaks more to why she lost respect for me in the first place. She was able to see past my B.S. and understand that I'm not the man that I project myself to be.
This past week I threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions. She told me it was over on Sunday and tried to be nice about it, but didn't give me a reason that I felt was valid enough so I dug around. I found out a bunch of things I didn't like and proceeded to talk about it AT LENGTH with anyone that would listen and even some who were sick of hearing about it. Other than read for class, I got very little accomplished and spent the week obsessing and replaying where things may have gone wrong, never considering the possibility that we just didn't work as a couple. All I knew is that it was my decision to make, not her's, on whether we should keep trying or not. It's so unhealthy and it's something that I've done before.
But nothing about this is a breaking story. It's stuff that I've realized over and over again. I am the living embodyment of a Government Report that is ordered to address a serious issue, develops recommendations, and then sits on the shelf collecting dust as we return to business as usual.
She wanted me to step up and show her that I was the guy that I said I was. I failed at that. And that's not to condone her actions or say that we would have been good if I followed through on my words, but it really shows me that I'm needing to work on stuff instead of just giving it lip service. She might be the first person I've ever known that completely blew my cover and walked away because of it. My initial reaction is to blame her and to play every angle that makes her look bad, but the bottom line is that when I was given the opportunity to be the best person I could be, I couldn't come through.
Admitting this here is going to throw some worry into the people that love me most. There is so much hard work that goes into changing a lifetime of bad habits, but I have to grow up...fast. I have to be done with all of this garbage and be the responsible person I think I can be.
So here you have it, more words to talk about how all I am is words. But this means absolutely nothing unless I put it into action.
Will this work out for the best? Stay Tuned.